Current mood:

contemplative

Why do people get married? I haven't been in a relationship in so long I don't think I could do it. People get married because they want someone they can count on and to stave off loneliness. Well, that's my opinion. Someone to be there for them so they are not alone. Someone they can share things with. Someone to protect and be protected by. It certainly is not easy doing these thing for yourself. I don't know how to relate to people in a longterm way. I really just haven't given myself the chance. We all have our reasons for who we are and why we are the way we are. I use it as my protection. I've always been a sensitive depressed type person. I never, ever felt good enough or any good at all. I craved acceptance and love but was convinced I did not deserve it. That's me in a nutshell. I did get married when I was 21. I had gone through a period of hanging with my friends and going out with them a lot. I looked for acceptance and found it with sex. Most of us go through our wild teenage years. I never found real love. I did find a guy I didn't really know who seemed to be sensitive and attentive. I married him after knowing him for three months. We were married for two years and had a daughter together. He was an alcoholic, would not keep a job and complained about everything and anything. Not an easy person to get along with. I left him when my daughter was 6 months old. I went back to my mom's house and raised my daughter by myself. It was rather difficult. My daughter and I moved out of my mom's house 20 years later. My daughter is now 26 and finally moved out on her own last May to live with a friend. That was a long and difficult struggle. After going through all of that and more, I see why I can't be in a relationship. Too much disappointment, distrust and walls. I am a happier person, not as depressed, have a good job and a nice place to live. Sure I get lonely but I am terrified to let anyone in and trust them to be there for me. Things take time, a lot of time. Things will change but it will take time. I've got time.